out in the world

Today is the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, which I had never heard of until yesterday, when it showed up in my reader.  Go take a look, and appreciate that some countries are paying more attention than ours, even while others have much further to go.  I especially appreciate that the focus this year is transphobia, which is rampant even in so-called progressive places like Boston.

Homophobia/transphobia is really powerful.  M. took me out to a gorgeous dinner last night to celebrate my birthday, and I was nervous as we got ready to go.  I changed my clothes a couple of times, deciding against the flimsy sexy dress I had originally planned to wear, getting increasingly antsy about the whole thing.  We realized we haven’t been out to a nice place like that since 2007.  

As we drove to the restaurant M. asked me why I was nervous, and I hedged a little, and then she just said it:  ”You’re worried because we’re queer.”  Yes.  I was.  Sometimes I do get anxious going into a super straight environment, dressed to look fabulous.  I know I’ll get attention, and I’m used to that.  It’s negative attention towards M. that kills me, and it happens more when we’re out dressed to the butch/femme nines.

But we got there and were greeted by a couple of alternative, potentially-queer-themselves young women, who didn’t bat an eye when we walked in.  In fact, they smiled fondly at us.  The service was impeccable — just the right balance of attentiveness to our needs but absence when we were particularly deep in conversation.

The waiter had a moment to prove her gender sensitivity prowess when we ordered a bottle of wine.  We had agreed on one we wanted to try, and M. ordered it, checking in that it had the characteristics we were looking for.  It turned out to be different, and we discussed our options a bit and she went to talk to the wine steward.  When she came back, she offered the choices to me, as I’d been more engaged in the decision process.  I chose a bottle, and when she brought it back to our table, she poured a taste into both of our glasses.  She started out thinking M. was in charge, realized that I was choosing the wine, and saved everyone by treating us like we were both in charge.  Lovely.

She treated us perfectly the whole night.  But since we have become more openly ourselves, the reactions we face are not always positive.  I went into this dinner situation nervous that things would go wrong, that we would have the classic queer experience of claiming the right to live our lives in the same manner as straight people, celebrating birthdays in nice restaurants, and end up subtly told by the world that we aren’t allowed in.  But that didn’t happen.  We were surrounded by other diners who were definitely curious, but the entire staff of the restaurant was amazing.  Respectful, friendly, and welcoming.  

I’m sorry that I worried, that I sold them short and even for a moment thought that they wouldn’t treat us well.  

But this kind of expectation is the result of homophobia and transphobia:  when you are treated differently from the mainstream people around you, you start to expect to be treated differently.  You start to anticipate the negativity and guard against it even before you get to where you’re going.  And as a result we all experience way more stress than we need to, because as it turns out I didn’t need to be stressed at all last night.  But I didn’t know until we got there.  

We’re good at dealing with this stuff.  We’ve been going to somewhat high-end restaurants on our own since we were teenagers — and if you think it’s hard being queer sometimes, try being a dumbass 16-year-old queer trying to take your girlfriend out to a proper dinner date.  But sometimes I just get tired of it.

So we still need to pay attention to homophobia and transphobia, just as we still need to pay attention to racism and sexism.  (Should I say ‘heterosexism and cis-genderism?  I don’t know!)  I am impressed that the governments of some countries are officially marking this International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia.

Oh yeah, and it’s the fifth anniversary of legal marriage here in good old Massachusetts.  And you know what?  the sky is still up there…